Moving On After Heartbreak
Moving on can be really challenging when you've had your heart broken. Trying to find someone you click with is hard enough and then we put extra pressure on ourselves, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The beauty standards, am I pretty/thin/tall/insert adjective here, enough for him? The time pressures, I need to meet someone now because my ex has moved on.
People come and go. You meet so many people in your life and most of them won't stand the test of time. However, everyone we meet adds value and gives us something to learn. Something I learned recently is that moving on after heartbreak doesn't necessarily mean moving on with someone, but actually choosing to work on the most important relationship you will ever have. The relationship you have with you.
Moving on After Heartbreak
I probably tried to move on too quickly. There have been a lot of tears. I didn't think it was possible for one person to cry so much. Crying in the car on the drive home from a date, sobbing in the bathroom of a mans apartment in the middle of the night. Despite all the stunning outfits and a new hair style, moving on has not been pretty.
Then I met someone. He was introduced to me by one of my best friends. My friend intended this man to be a distraction in order to safeguard me from my "no good" ex. However, he turned out to be so much more.
I knew he was a good person the instant I met him. I think your gut instinct is always right, and when you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach that the man in front of you is bad news, he most likely is. I had no such feeling with this man, I felt safe.
For our first date, we went bowling and to the arcades. Then when he asked if he could take me for dinner and I said I wanted fried chicken, he happily obliged with a smile (but also stating he had never been for fast food on a first date before). The date was easy, I could be myself and what's more, I felt happy.
I saw him again. And again. And more dates. Usually when I date, I manage one or two dates before I bail out. I was enjoying having him in my life but I felt like an open wound that wasn't healing. I could see the kind man in front of me but was still dejected from the pain of my break up.
I would get tangled with questions - How do I not mess this up? How long will he wait? Do I have feelings? What are my feelings? How will I know? What if I make a mistake? Can I see myself living with this man? What if he hurts me? Will I ever feel for him, what I felt for my ex?
I would get myself into an anxious panic about all of these questions. The main one I was struggling with was it didn't feel like it did with my ex. But it wouldn't, each relationship, each love, is different. To add to that, the last one didn't work. Different is a good thing.
It's easy to try and compare your new love interest to your previous partner. As humans we are always making comparisons and looking for patterns to make sense of our environments. You probably knew your ex for a long time and you would have built bonds over a number of years which can be hard to break. I had a good feeling about my new love interest, so I have him a chance to make new bonds with me.
We started having Sunday Date Day each week and one of our outings we ended up on a pedal boat in a Yorkshire country park. Six months previous, I had been on a pedal boat in Hyde Park in London with my ex.
On this particular Sunday, several months ago, I couldn't help but make comparisons again. My ex had a lovely habit of not complimenting me but would happily talk about what he found attractive in other women. My memory of the Hyde Park boating trip includes such an incident, resulting in me doing stress relieving breathing techniques and discreetly wiping tears from my eyes. Skip to back to the present day, I'm on a pedal boat in Yorkshire thinking but he's not like him. Sweetheart, that's a good thing.
Sometimes we think better the devil you know, than the devil you don't. Here's another option, don't pick a devil.
I wore a blue oversized shirt, A-line skirt with military boots. I had a fresh faced look with very minimal make up, my hair with the natural curl it gets when I leave it to air dry. This is how I feel comfortable. My date kept telling me how he liked my outfit.
It's not just the compliments, its the fact that 6 months ago, I would never have gone out like this. I would have put on something inappropriate for the activity I was doing in a bid to look more aesthetically pleasing, and have full hair and make up done. And still would have felt unattractive and uncomfortable.
This new man didn't turn out to be the one. But not all people are meant to come into our lives for a lifetime. I saw a speech that talks about how we are like rockets and some people who come into our lives are boosters. They boost us to he lp us reach the altitude we need to get to, then they fall away. This man did just that. He boosted me up, away from the toxic wasteland of the past and showed me there are good people out there. People who will be respectful, people who will see your worth. And in turn, I saw my value, my worth and what I have to offer the world or friendships or a relationship.
I made the decision to take time for myself, to work on myself and go it alone for a while. I watched a YouTube post from The School of Life (link here) which talks about the importance of being single. If we can be content on our own, we can make better decisions when choosing a partner because we will only be with someone who adds value to our lives. So for now, I'm moving on from my previous relationship but with myself, as a single, self-partnered woman.
In times where you think of the past and pine, or worry about the future being different, think it was a breakup because it was broken.
Moving on and letting go is hard.
It's hard, but I'm happier.
Dear Reader, thank you for reading. What are your experiences of moving on and letting go? Comment below or use our forum. See you here again soon, Joy in Blooms.